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OFF BY HEART (2007)

by Michael Milosh

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1.
Left behind, falling apart. I saw it all in a dream. Sleepy head, drifting off Too tired to scream. Try to pick up the pieces to a puzzle that always changes its game. I used to walk down the streets of my town, Strumming a guitar making crazy sounds. People pass laughing and putting me down, But I’d play real loud and they’d fade and drown. And everything would get lost in those sounds. But what sadness is this, that I see in your eye. Yes, there will be times when everything comes together, And the answer comes flying at you from around the bend. Then before you know it you’re back where you started, crashing at a dead end. Those moments when you soar, are really nothing more than the beginning of the end.
2.
Day Dream 03:15
There’s a place in the market where a red headed beauty takes my hand, she speaks her name in Italian. I think we’re each others biggest fans. Her lips are rosy red but I tell ya that her eyes are better. You know I’m holding back but pushing to get her. Together or apart I can taste the sugar from her heart and hear her whispers in the dark. Staring softly from the side of her face her tight lipped smile explodes all over the place. Your glow just carries you along, Makes me float across the lawn colours splash into the sun. Fills me with crazy knots that I long to come undone. And when the day is gone the night then carries us along. We’ll stroll ‘till our feet start to yawn, then we’ll do it all over again come the dawn.
3.
I’m mixed up and down, I seem to go around thinking it’s alright, to play the clown and be bringing down a lot of fine women in this old grey town. Hey Mary Lou I’ll tell you what you want to hear if you just come on over hear, and let me turn you on they’re playing our favourite song it’s the same one you know I used to sing to Peggy Sue. I don’t know that I do it. Couldn’t see that I blew it. Now I hope you can go and get through it. If you just allow me to sit down and think for a while. If I’m honest with you from minute two, things shouldn’t be too untrue. Too late now I’ve hooked you in and it’s time to begin and if I can’t win we can always be friends and any love we’ve ever had can just be permanent blue. Something in me, yes I know, just wants to love you so, but there’s something else there that just don’t want to see it grow. Now the buckets bottom is rusted and I know you know you think I can’t be trusted. Girl thanks to you I’m finally busted. No more Momma to sit there and cut off all my crusts. It must surely only get better with every aim. Say girl, what’s your name?
4.
Trouble to begin and I’ve got trouble creeping out of my skin. When you live a life of sin, you’ll find all the trouble to get in. I wanna come alive. I wanna see things through my weary eyes. But when you’re wearing this disguise, it comes as no surprise, that all you’ll see is- All of your own lies, Stabbing in your eyes, Crying to the skies, Screaming how and why? Lay me down to fly. It’s so beautiful to die. And I never ever learned to cry. Out of my skin. Yes I think I’m coming out of my skin and I’ve got, trouble to begin with, trouble to begin. It’s good to be alone, and it’s good to be back on my own. When you get cut to the bone loneliness just leaves you alone. All I see is black. White comes and goes but it never comes back. Now I’m as yellow as the sun and I always turn and run or burn up seeing people having fun. And I threw away my phone, No place to call home, All your trips are flown, All your seeds are sown, No place left to roam, And nothing was ever written down in stone. Out of my skin, yes I think I’m crawling outta my skin and I got, trouble to begin, trouble to begin. I saw it in your eyes, you didn’t say it and I didn’t ask why but, What do you do when someone close to you tells you that your love is all untrue? Do you turn and run away? Or spit back in her face? Let go what you embrace? Or start a brand new day? Head back to strange L.A.? Pick up guitars and play? Or start to waste away? Watch my hair turn grey? What will be old age? Will I ever find my way? Because stars get dimmer by the day. Out of my skin, yes I think I’m creeping outta my skin and I got, trouble to begin, trouble to begin.
5.
Don’t want to walk out of the door. I might not come back any more. The information that I gave, has got me diggin’ my own grave. Government is gonna tackle me. They’re gonna throw me in the pen’. Paranoid electric shackles getting tight around my neck. Ain’t got no food to put upon the table, but I got all the greatest rock n roll records that were ever made though. Is this what it’s supposed to be like? Living by the rules that keep you crying for more - living by a score. I don’t want to live here anymore and I don’t know what the fuck I am living for. K-k-k-keep my toes tagged, and they put me up in a rubber bag. Why must I pay to get back to the land of grace? The dirty answer is written all over your silly face. Well get me outta this place. ‘Cause now I know I’m being chased. Well, it’s not a wonderful world. And this ain’t a perfect place in space. It’s got me worried skinny to my bones. But drink up because we all die alone. Yes, we all die alone. I got bad voices deep in my head since birth. I feel like all those who say they love me just want to know how much I’m really worth. I mean it.
6.
Backyards 04:34
At 16 years you were just an oasis. I’d close my eyes and pray you’d be there. When I’d come to the spell was always broken. You’d stroll on by in the hall - sunlight in your hair. Back then we were always letting it loose. But the moment was lost, now I found all the pieces but I forgot the cost. In another woman’s eyes I feel you trust and I see all my lies. And it’s another Monday morning and you’re still calling my name from that Friday night. I lost a lot of time thinking I was free. People don’t seem to hear me even when I scream. All these thoughts that cut me through my dreams. It’s like it don’t exist when it comes from me. Like they’re the only ones who know just how to pretend. And I’m spending more and more of my time staring at the end. Now I’m turning back the clocks with all the things that she said. And then she swallows up the dreams that are burning up your head. And I’m thinking about the taste that makes silk come alive. She holds the key to all your secrets in between rose coloured thighs. I’m reaching out to everyone so I don’t drown. I’m grabbing hold of my all my friends not thinking I can take ‘em down. An airplane’s hum passes over my head. Laying down in the backyard that I grew up in.
7.
Breaking my heart, wrecking my life You’re breaking my heart so bad. Learning to love, Learning to change I’m learning to be myself again. Yeah – I’m gonna look in the mirror Yeah – Things are coming clear. Crying for love, dying for change Why do I stop myself? Turning the clocks, burning the past I promise to leave this hell behind. Yeah – I’m gonna look in the mirror. Yeah – things are coming clear. Yeah – You been making me mad. Yeah – I’m gonna be so glad when you’re gone. Torn apart, back to the start I’ve never seen past this hill. Climb till I find peace of mind, But I don’t know if I ever will. Yeah – You been chopping me down. Yeah – I’m neither lost nor I’m found. Friends of the past I wish they would last They grow up and find themselves. It tasted so good when I was young, But now I just bite my tongue. Yeah – You’ve been chopping me down. Yeah – I’m neither lost nor found. Yeah – I see you found another man, Yeah – Well does he fit the family plan? Come on and light up my life.
8.
Sour Mash 02:23
I want your heart / I want your cash. I want to burn / I want to crash. Not into all like in the past. I’m drinking from a silver flask. I think I’m through with sour mash. And I feel like a star. Do I look like a star? Yeah you look like a star. In the back seat of a car. Who’s not getting very far. Yeah you look like a star. I want your love / I want your cash. I think I’m through with sour mash. It’s not a crime to dine and dash. What burns bright just turns to ash. I wanna hear some Stills and Nash. And comb my hair like Johnny Cash. I joined a band and they were trash. I just awoke and need to crash. And I feel like a star. Do I look like a star? Yeah you look like a star. In the backseat of your car. That’s not getting very far. Yes, I feel like a star.
9.
Egg Shells 02:45
It’s too soon, but I just couldn’t wait any longer, to meet you, to meet you, girl I had to meet you. Any way it goes the stars show the way home. I get scared thinking about who I am. When I look at all I got, realize it ain’t a lot. Anyway it goes the stars show the way home. Your lips are rose, but your eyes are even better. I hide waiting for your hand. Time cannot understand. Anyway it goes the stars show the way home. The softest words I will speak them to you. With the moonlight on your lips something in my heart just slips. Anyway it goes the stars show the way home. I’ll come to you over the water from the city. Rushing crowds can carry on. We’ll speak of dreams until the dawn. Anyway it goes the stars show the way home.
10.
I once was strong in my mind and in my heart. So strong I could not break. Back in my younger days when play was all. And there were no such things as mistakes. I’d run wild, do any craziness that I pleased. But the tides they turned and I got burned and pleasure became a disease. Now I crawl through life and my chin hangs down, I can hardly make you any sense about what went wrong and how a broke my crown and how I lost all confidence. In my mirror, I see the ghost side of me. My old body has fallen to the floor, The fullness I had has dissolved to dreams. And what’s worse, all my old friends don’t come ‘round here anymore. Each time I try and lift my head and take an honest stand. The only truth that finds it’s ground is a full filled past that has turned to dread. I stand into the wind, underneath the crow. Come and nail me to that fence. He’s gonna pick my brain in the night, ‘Cause I’m paralyzed with fright. And you know I’ve lost all confidence. Hear my cries, as I scream into your eyes - That I am lonely and can’t be comforted by you. There is a voice that tells of a choice, but make it I just can’t do. One day I pray, it’ll all just blow away, and be taken from over me. That old rusty cloud that showers all my memories so loud. That I know will never let me be. I must find where it began, The place where these rivers turned to sand. And return them to the way from which I’ve led them all astray, Like only angels can. But for now you know I’ve lost all confidence.
11.
I’m working on a backyard. I’m working on a fence. Although I do it for the money, I lost a lot of my good sense. My knuckles are white, my shoulders locked tight. My legs are done up in knots, my head is spinning like a top. My eyes are popping and my tongue is red hot. I thought I knew how to love, but I guess I do not. Get rid of all your friends and free your mind. I’m a real humdinger. She’s a rock n roll singer. Hey kid jump ship. Do a triple back flip. Whoops, I slipped, over an LSD trip. Skunk sprays sweet, smells better than my feet. Now play the back beat. Ignore your pain, Pile it on thick. Don’t stay sane, make yourself sick. Drop what you need, take what you want. Make yourself bleed, find somebody to haunt. Don’t give up the lust. Never trust. Always disgust. Die if you must. Make yourself bleed. I’m working on a backyard. I’m working on a fence.
12.
Happy Man 00:54
Time to say goodbye, time to pack it up. Time to leave the nest, time to leave the rest. I want to love you girl but I’m not a happy man. I’ll make your happiness go and turn to sand.
13.
All of my great ideas fade into the wishes that were once sparked. I don’t know why, I don’t know why... Maybe it’s just the fear of finally becoming clear, Of all the beauty you can really only see perfectly in the dark. Working so hard at something that you don’t even believe in. And putting everything you’ve got into another man’s bad, broken dreams. I am born, born to follow the shadow of something I’ve never really seen. But I know, know it’s there in my soul and in my dreams. Now looking in my hands I see the love that slowly turned to rust. My fists come crashing down to the dirt and all that’s left on my tongue is dust. Yeah the wolf is on the hill – He ain’t smiling anymore. I tried to get away – I tried to become fictitious. But the man that I am is just so ridiculous. I want so much more than laying here upon the floor, Searching for that key to the lock way up there on the door. I get stuck sitting ‘round undecided ‘till it’s half past late. All the things I worry over just hit like a run away freight. And I’m left standing here at the station gate. That was the last train running. Bound to fall. The truth comes wrapped in lies. There’s nothing so much dumb as wise. Into you I seek our harmony. You must be trapped before you’re set free. I bleed well and deep into the night. These cuts are hid come morning’s light. I see you keep your eyes so wide. How can a smile never hide? I try to sleep right through my pain. The only word I know now is your name. At night I sing it walking into the rain. You are my lover and my best friend. A voice just flows right through my soul. The only thing I love is rock n roll. It sometimes makes me feel 10 feet tall. And when it can’t I guess I’m bound to fall. The last train running... Bound to fall.
14.
Well the room gets so stuffy when you come around. And you turn the radio so low that I can’t hear a sound. You ask so many questions that I can’t tell fire from rain. And when it comes to romancing well darling we’ve missed the train. But that’s no reason not to love you. Even when I’m all dried up dead rolled over buried deep in my cozy tomb. Well you’d still be the one to get in the last word and leave me no more room. Sometimes it pays to get hurt just a little bit so that we can all just get ahead - feel your own pain. At least it makes more sense than asking Momma to have all your fortune’s read. But that’s no reason not to love you. I believe what’s being told / maybe my luck’s just given up this time. You see I’ve gone and got all upset again, ‘cause everything was just going fine. Shall we say goodnight, or shall we say goodbye? I’ve been wondering why all up across this peach coloured sky. Maybe I am wrong / maybe I am right. Maybe someday something is gonna turn out alright. But that’s no reason not to love you. Now I see that I hurt you, feel our time is getting dim. Shoot off at the mouth and you put me pretty right back in my place again. I’m sorry about the past / I’m even sorry about your future. You know my life can’t bend so easily and sometimes you make me want to shoot ya. But that’s no reason not to love you.
15.
Untitled 04:16
It’s not just a scratch, or a feather lifted off of my back. You keep me detached, no goodbyes just a cold glance turning back. I want to be down the road away from you. I wanna speak to the wind just like I used to do. With all that you suggest, why would I even try making sense of this mess? You’re so blessed, I though you just may be God. All your steps demand applause. I’ve got to turn away. And I hate you. 1000 questions, too many questions. I don’t want anymore of your suggestions, Prying me apart, from the centre of my heart. Take me back to the start, you’re asking too many questions. Erasing my sense of direction. Let my demons run loose they’re the better half of me. Let this cold wind blow it’s got to get out from me, you’ll see. And I hate you. I think too much, I got enough just to write a book. And I look at you and I want to be hooked and then taken away. Your truth comes out but only when you’re down and out, And you try to use it just to freak me out and then make me stay. Well there’s nothing that I can say that would put you right back in your place. And there’s nothing that I can do to get rid of this taste, oh I hate you.
16.
Isabella 03:45
Crazy Isabella, with your hair on fire, Why can’t I fall for you? Crazy Isabella, with your hair of tired fire, When will I let go and fall for you? With your patient waiting hand, And your smile that comes on slow. Though it’s not yet quite right, I want you so. Island girl Isabella, in the sweaty nights of summer I’ve got eyes that cannot let you go. Red headed Isabella lets sit a little closer, Rest your head upon my cheek and breathe real slow, And we’ll trace the stars together, The ones we cannot reach. Our hands forever crossed. All our old fears they are now lost. To wake with you one morning would steal my soul. And tonight we shall let it all go. Crazy Isabella, time really doesn’t matter, Tip-toeing up your window ladder in the moonlight. I don’t know what it is about you. My thoughts don’t swim without you. Hear the raining pitter-patter of my heart. Isabella, shall we meet again lost lover, I will return to you again, alone in the dark. Isabella, your laughter lies upon my shoulder, Its chime keeps me from getting older. Though I’d much rather simply hold her I’ve got to go. Isabella, your beauty lazes with your lashes, And in the thickness of your glasses. Your laughter comes on in quick flashes when it might. I feel you in my clothes. I see you in the air. I want to sleep beneath your hair. Not even God could know how I feel.

about

This is a previously unreleased album and was produced when the group was still called Park Road. At the time I considered these to be my finest songs written to date. I remember finishing the mixes in late 2006 and then going overseas & travelling by myself through Transylvania, Budapest, Warsaw, Berlin and Hamburg with these mixes on a CD-R in my coat pocket, feeling that I'd really accomplished something. Upon returning home, an intimate friend did not want a few of these songs heard by others for personal reasons and so I choose to do the wrong thing and bury the album…until now. It was recorded and mixed on a 4 track cassette recorder in my Baba's basement in Oshawa.

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released March 6, 2007

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Michael Milosh Oshawa, Ontario

www.youtube.com/homemoviesarts

Canadian songwriter & independent recording artist Michael Milosh.

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